so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
sexual orientation: killian jones ready to fight for emma at the drop of a hat
The One With The Morning After
Stiles was confused.
Okay, so he’s woken up in Derek’s bed: not confusing. They’d had sex: again, not confusing. Derek still being there: not that confusing, it is his apartment. Derek holding Stiles tight like he’s something precious: CONFUSING.
It’s not like he expected to be kicked out at first light, but this is — they hadn’t even talked about what they were to each other before this. Stiles doesn’t need a definition, not really; his life is a stitched together tapestry of things that never quite make sense, but he feels like he and Derek need something to help them along. That maybe he and Derek both deserve more than guesswork.
Derek’s not even awake yet, his arms wrapped around Stiles so tightly that Stiles is kind of amazed he can breathe. There’s a tickle at the back of Stiles’ neck where Derek’s breath hits his skin, and Stiles can feel the rise and fall of Derek’s chest as he breathes steadily. It’s comforting in ways Stiles didn’t know it could be.
We are a little more than a week away from San Diego Comic-Con, the world’s biggest, nerdiest gathering of everything we love in pop culture, and MTV has some exclusive details that are sure to get “Teen Wolf” fans excited.
Not only can fans check out the “Teen Wolf” panel — where you can hear about season four and ask the cast questions — but Tyler Posey, Dylan O’Brien, Tyler Hoechlin, Holland Roden, Shelley Hennig, Dylan Sprayberry and executive producer Jeff Davis will be at the Fox booth (#4229) from 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 a.m. on Friday.
That booth will also be the only place you can pick up these exclusive Comic-Con editions of “Teen Wolf” seasons one through three on DVD. Each set will run $14.98.
You can see our exclusive reveal of the Comic-Con editions below. (Our apologies to everyone not going to San Diego.)
“you’re going to have that tattoo for the rest of your life”
are you serious
i had no idea thank you so much bless your soul
"Working with Crystal is awesome. She’s a professional, she’s everything you would want an actress to be!" - Tyler Hoechlin
No, we found him buried in a tomb of wolfsbane, in an Aztec temple, in Mexico, underneath a church, in the middle of a town that was destroyed by an earthquake.